Feb. 17, 2012 – Trying not to run…
Sometimes it feels like the pain is chasing me and I’m doing my best to outrun it. But it always catches up to me. At grief group we talked alot about turning to face the pain. And for a while after Mike died I was doing exactly that. I couldn’t do this day in and day out but I didn’t run. I knew I had to do it if I had any chance of healing and being able to move forward in a healthy way. I don’t want to go back to that time but there was a whole lot of room in my life for sadness and grief because that was all I was doing -grieving and trying to provide a stable, loving home for Nick and Meghan against the backdrop of this traumatic reality of Mike’s untimely death.
These days my life looks a lot like everyone else’s life around me. Full days, busy nights and weekends driving kids here and there, lots of fun activity and richness. But the grief is there, mostly as a subtle undercurrent but still sometimes as a huge wave threatening to engulf me. I am less open to these waves when they hit – there is so much less room for this kind of sadness and grief. And truth be told I’m tired of it and don’t really want to make room for it most days. But alas…if I don’t turn to face it it chases me down and ultimately finds me.
I think I have spent the last number of months being chased by this pain. What’s particularly difficult is the changing face of my pain and grief. Initially there was a pureness to it – Mike died and I was overcome with his absence as a husband and father in our lives. And overtime the other less obvious losses become apparent to be examined and grieved. These days the grief seems harder to pin down, more like a moving target although I think it has a lot to with letting go and my changing identity. Letting go of who I was – one half of a partnership of Mike and Heather, Mike’s wife, and all that is wrapped up in twenty great years of being with Mike.
So… I need space for this latest manifestation of my loss and grief. And only when I do this, can I truly make space for new love. And I have new love in my life. With a incredibly understanding and patient man. A man who wisely reminds me that he is not filling the place where Mike was. And that Mike will always have a prominent place in my heart that his (Bill’s) presence will not fill. I know I have a huge capacity for love in my heart and don’t have to stop loving Mike to love someone new. But it does require a colossal shift in identity and huge letting go… I think this has been what’s chasing me.
Some days it seems an impossible task to simultaneously turn back, face the pain, move forward, look ahead – be brave. To realize the full possibilities of the future ahead of me I have let go of the Heather and Mike as I knew it. And that is so hard. But there is hope ahead…and new love.








